Humor

House Gaming Rules:

1. Cannot base characters off the Ash from the Evil Dead movies.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Dwarven god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not the 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Nor is "Kill them all and let God sort them out"
8. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
9. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
10. My monk's lips must be in sync.
11. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
13. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
13. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
14. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
15. Ogres are not kosher.
16. Plan B is not automatically twice as much explosives as Plan A.
17. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
18. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
19. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
20. Drow are not good eating.
21. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
22. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
23. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
24. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
25. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
26. The green elf does not need food badly.
27. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
28. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
29. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
30. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
31. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
32. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
33. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
34. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
35. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
37. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
38. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
39. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
40. Dwarves do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
41. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
42. Dwarves do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
43. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
44. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
45. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
46. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
47. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
48. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
49. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
50. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
51. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
52. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
53. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
54. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
55. Cannot pimp out other party members.
56. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
57. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
58. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
59. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
60. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
61. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
62. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
63. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
64. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
65. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
66. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
67. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
68. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
69. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
70. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
71. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
72. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser
73. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
74. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
75. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
76. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
77. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
78. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
79. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
80. I am not liquid metal.
81. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
82. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
83. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
84. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
86. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
87. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
88. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
89. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
90. The elf's name is not Legolam.
91. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
92. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
93. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
94. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
95. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
96. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
97. No making up polearms.
98. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
99. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
100. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
101. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
102. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
103. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
104. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
105. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
106. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
107. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
108. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
109. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
110. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
111. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
112. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
113. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
114. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
115. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
116. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
117. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
118. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
119. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
120. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
121. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
122. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
123. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
124. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
125. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
126. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
127. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
128. Not allowed to download Widows 3.5 on the Arasaka mainframe.
129. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
130. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
131. Gun Fu is not a martial arts discipline.
132. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
133. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
134. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
135. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
136. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
137. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
138. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
139. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
140. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
141. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
142. My maid does not know kung fu.
143. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
144. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
145. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
146. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
147. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
148. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
149. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
150. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
151. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
152. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
153. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
154. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
155. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
156. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
157. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
158. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
159. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
160. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
161. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
162. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
163. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
164. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
165. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
166. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
167. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
168. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
169. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
170. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
171. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
172. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
173. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
174. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
175. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
176. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
177. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
178. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
179. There are no profanities in Celestial.
180. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
181. I have neither the touch nor the power.
182. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
183. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
184. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
185. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
186. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
187. No cutting line to be a god.
188. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
189. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
190. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
191. Duels wielding small animals are strictly forbidden.
192. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
193. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
194. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
195. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
196. I cannot use a silent feat enambled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
197. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
198. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
199. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
200. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
201. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
202. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
203. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
204. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
205. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
206. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
207. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
208. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
209. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
210. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
211. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
212. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna create some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum…bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. Paul Watson and I are never allowed to create characters together unsupervised.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Dwarven God of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

 also see Mr. Welch's Famous List here

 


^ this is my personal favorite ^


^ you know you laughed and Yes, it is wrong ^

 

 

 
Jokes:

Disclaimer: Your God is not necessary our God T. Any acts of nature (plagues, floods, raining of brimstone, turning into salt pillars) either malicious or benign are not necessarily the will of God T. Acts of man are not necessarily reflections of the will of God T. Just because I made them doesn't mean I'm responsible for their messed-up ideas. Salvation is not necessarily guaranteed and is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse, free will, fornication or listening to N'SYNC; an equal opportunity deity; no shoes, no shirt, no salvation; quantities are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized soul service center; caveat emptor; keep away from sunlight, pets and small children; limit one-per-lifetime please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; Jesus action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the salvation safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes; do not puncture, incinerate or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, consult a qualified prophet before use. Possible penalties for early withdrawal (death); offer valid only at participating universes; Don't pray to us, we'll inspire you directly.

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You Might be Pagan If …

When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.

You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back.

You understand what they're saying.

When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
(guilty)

You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.
(guilty)

You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook.

You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.
(guilty)

You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore.

The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.

You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.

You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics.
(guilty)

You've caused them.
(guilty)

The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice… altar… you have there."

On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.

You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.
(guilty)

You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.

You commit blasphemy in the plural.
(guilty) (guilty) (guilty) (see above)

Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."

When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.
(guilty)

You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text.You use it as such. (not-guilty, don't get me started)

In Religion 101, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
(guilty)

You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.
(guilty)

You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.

You talk to trees. They talk back.
(guilty)

You know dragons and faeries exist. You've seen them.
(guilty)

Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people.
(guilty)

You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft."

You know it's a load of crap.
(guilty)

You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.
(guilty, & the chalice and wand)

You've ever ended a phone call with "merry part."
(guilty)

Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."

You consider unicorns to be an endangered species.

You commonly (and frequently accidentally) call the days of the week by alternate names: Sunday, Moonday, Tyr's Day, Woden's Day, Thurse Day, Frigga-Day, Satyr Day.

You keep wondering what year this is, as that whole time-travel thing has you confused.

The Futhark or the Theban alphabet (one of them) was the first alphabet you learned to write.

When someone says they have a headache, you pull out White Willow Bark and a Crystal Healing Kit.
(guilty, but only with herbal teas)

You wonder why the Pope doesn't have any concubines in his position of obvious power.

Your candles outnumber your light bulbs.
(guilty, I make my own candles)

Your telephone, computer, radio, television, or other electronic device is in a spot where you can protect the rest of the house from it.

You feel inclined to dance around and/or jump over a campfire, and keep piling wood on it because it's not a proper bonfire.

You go on religious pilgrimages that end up in or pass through (with a stop) any of the following: Nepal, the Burning Man festival, the woods (nearby or not), Stonehenge, the Pyramids or any other place with a usable pyramid, Salem (Massachusetts), Eerie (Indiana), Avalon, Atlantis, anywhere where there are standing stones or burial mounds, any cave with drawings older than the nation it's in, or pretty much any place wild.

You really do wonder why the faeries keep hiding from you… after all, you're one of them.

You keep getting mistaken by religious zealots for someone Satanic, or you are directly called by these same zealots a "devil-worshipper" or some such.
(guilty) (guilty) (guilty) (hell, it's loads of fun)

You like the movie "The Matrix" for its philosophical content more than its technological aspects.
(guilty)

You dislike the Christian Bible because it's "way too strict for fun-loving people."

You can accurately quote the Bible better than your Fundie neighbor, relate said scripture to parallel sources in other cultures and religions, and rebut it all from quotes of the Seth books or material you have channeled on your own.
(guilty)

You constantly wonder why all the decent people in the world are in hiding.

You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about.

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